Looking Out From My Window

It’s already spring season and yet it still feels like winter. I was looking out from my window this morning, facing east, towards New York City. There was a thick fog that was hovering over some of the houses in the neighborhood, and so trying to get a glimpse of the great city of New York from a distance was near impossible. The wind was blowing hard and whistling like a roaring lion. From inside the comfort of my home, I felt very cold and my bones were shivering. The winter has not left us. I was hoping that it would get warmer this time, considering that spring is already here, and summer is just around the edge. With such an atmosphere, I felt a sense of emptiness and my spirit just drooped down momentarily. I said to myself that life can sometimes turn into winter. When an illness strikes a person, for example, there comes about a feeling of sadness, coldness, loneliness, depression and even a sense of abandonment. We hear this sigh too often, Why me? I have tried my best to live a good life. I haven’t committed any wrongdoing to anyone. I have so many dreams that I want to do with my life. Now everything is changed or on hold due to this illness. What happens now?

When I was initially diagnosed with my illness, I felt shocked and depressed- a natural reaction I guess. I have not expected this, nor did I consider, even in a remote way, the possibility of contracting this disease. My family has no history of diabetes. Yes, I admit, I was a little overweight – but there are people who are much heavier than I am, and yet enjoy a healthy lifestyle. Then I started to think deeply of why I have now this disease. Why me and not someone else? Was this an outcome of my lifestyle, or this is simply a punishment from God. From here, I began to ask many questions about myself, about my faith, my destiny and even my mortality. And the recurring question that was popping out in my mind was, what should I do now? It took me a while to realize and accept that this illness has no cure, no permanent treatment. What I can only do is to regulate my blood sugar – and that’s about it. Now I have to deal with this illness for the rest of my life.

If you believe in destiny, maybe this is a classic example of it. Could it be that I was destined to acquire this disease, so with the seventeen or so million Americans who are suffering the same fate, in order to teach us all a great lesson of what life really is. Until something happens like this in one’s life, we too often take life for granted. How many of us get the chance to reflect why we are here, who we are, and the purpose of our existence. As I now reflect about my life and its fragility, it makes me realize how important and sacred life is. Whether I accept this truth or not, I know now that this disease, if not regulated, could result to many complications, and even the possibility of immediate demise. So here I am now face to face with my own mortality. But, hopefully, it will still take a while. But I know that sometime or the other, I have to face this existential truth that my mortality is coming nearer everyday. Do I fear about it? Of course, yes. As a human being, we cannot eliminate fear, especially when we speak of our own mortality. But at the same time, I console myself with the fact that, up to this time, even with this illness, God has blessed me and continue to bless me with so many good things. In spite of this illness, I still thank Him for everything. I do not feel any sense of anger or hate from my heart. I know that God has given me my life and everything I have, and He is the only one who can take them back.

This difficult journey that I am currently facing is teaching me a lot of lessons especially about life. It is making me see and appreciate more how important life is, but at the same time, in some good way, I am able to share in the sufferings of humanity as well. I know for a fact that there are people out there who are suffering with the same or maybe different kind of illness, who are far worse than what I have, and yet they suffer silently and still with a great smile on their faces. Their courage, perseverance, and strength in the face of their sufferings are truly an inspiration for me and maybe for all those who are traveling on the same road. The lesson is clear. We all have our own trials in life. Some just happens to be bigger and heavier, others maybe smaller and less heavy. But whatever our trails maybe- we cannot just give up. We need to be strong. We need to face our trials head on. Retreat is never in my game plan.

Although I know that this disease has no permanent cure now, I am not giving up that someday, hopefully, a permanent cure will be discovered. If it does not happen in my lifetime, I hope in the next. In the meantime, however, I do not want to just sit in my coach and cry and be depressed. I would not let my illness stifle my life, nor would I allow it to make me a slave of it. My life is still ahead of me. I want to enjoy life to its fullest. Even with this illness, one can still have a fulfilling and meaningful life, according to many great medical scientists. But there is a catch. In order for one to have a fulfilling and meaningful life with this illness, we need to continue to attend to our medical treatments. We need to eat rightly and exercise daily. We need to have a regular visits with our doctors and specialists, so they could evaluate our condition, and we can act appropriately.

I am still standing here looking out from my window. After a while, the fog began to clear itself. And as the sun rises from the east, I now get a glimpse of the great city of New York. There was a smile on my face. I knew that the darkness that covered the earth for the night is gone. A new dawn is beginning to appear. Life is gradually unfolding itself. I know that spring is already here, and maybe the advent of summer is not too far away.